Of course your identity changes throughout your life, none of think we are the same person we were 5, or even 1 year ago. But just how much your identity changes can shock you sometimes. Your idea of home, your idea of ethnicity, your very sense of self are all open to transformation. If we forget this we risk getting stuck in an identity label which doesnt fit who we are now, only who we were then.

I guess it would be fair to say that the last few months i’d been stuck in a hole, a hole in which i was identifying myself with an identity which has changed, is changing. I was finding it hard to let go of a past self, and accept that who I am now is different. Realising that who I was then, is not gone, but merely a past feature of my identity which shapes who I am now is important to me, because it lets me move on. I was that, i was there, now i am this and i am here. I can be both at once, and i can stop fighting this internal conflict which was never really there.

-J

It’s strange that this is a part of myself I never really paid attention to before. Maybe I was trying to supress it because i’ve been told my whole life that i’m someone different, suddenly I find comfort in the welcoming arms of my old friends, who i’d once thought were boring me. I miss old routines and habits, and most of all, I have begun to despise the uncertainty in my future. A year or so ago, this was something I cherished, and enjoyed spending time mulling over, considering the possibilities that life had laid out before me. Now, I find myself wanting to know where i’ll be in a month, a year, or ten.

Maybe this is part of growing up, or maybe this is me finally waking up to what I really want? In a sense stability is the thing that’s always been missing in my life, in one way or another, and the grass is always greener on the other side. I don’t want to make the mistake of thinking what I want is a suddenly settled future and a path already carved for me, only to wake up one day and discover i’m missing that excitment, that uncertainty and that ignorance that I have now.

-J

Failures. All of you!

- F

The harsh and grating truth can sometimes force you to confront things you didn’t even realise were issues. After a quick wave of despair, (how did I not realise all these things, why have I let this happen to myself) a sense of relief emerges and I suddenly feel more empowered to sort my shit out, ironically enough, only because someone had the guts to show me how much of myself  i’ve lost.

To paraphrase the wise words ‘you’ve been sucked into a black hole, and you are barely even existing anymore’. Acceptance has led me to realise how out of control i’ve been, and has made me see how to snatch it back for myself. There is a light, somewhere in that black hole, and even though I can’t see it yet, knowing it’s there is enough to keep me fighting.

-J

I make friends really easily, but then don’t actually make any real connections. I’ve always been fine to take a back seat and listen to everyone else’s “problems” and “feelings”. Talking about myself just makes me vunerable, in my mind anyway…but that has blown up in my face, and I’m realising that maybe I need to start opening up and making the effort to connect to people…

In other news, next saturday I’m going to (Ice) Skate at Somerset House DJ Night with my housemates! Should be wicked wicked.

-F

Anyway.

Today, for no particular reason, I was thinking about how people think I’m malnourished because I’m so small and skinny. And then they proceed to scrutinize my eating habits, looking for any sign of anorexia or something to “justify” my size. But the thing is, I’m not malnourished, I’m perfectly healthy (if slightly small). I eat a very balanced and varied diet.

The only thing is, although I eat very often, I eat smaller portions than most people. Which doesn’t mean I’m unhealthy or on an obsessive diet- it’s actually very reasonable portions, but as with many things, the option which is unhealthier has become normalized. I never finish a whole meal at a restauraunt because the portions are huge, but it’s perfectly normal to most people…but then, as people get bigger, being obese is normalized and people like me are treated with suspicion.

It’s not about wanting to be skinny like the girls in magazines, for me it’s about the fact that obesity, diabetes, high blood pressure, and so many other things which result from a bad diet runs in my family.

I was also musing about feminism today but that’s another blog…

-F

I started looking for that notebook, but I couldnt find it anywhere in my room. At first I panicked, I couldnt imagine never being able to look back over the state my mind was in then, to remember how confusing but exciting and mesmerising life seemed for a few short months. But, actually, i’m kind of glad i’ve lost it. Looking back on those days wouldn’t bring me much in the way of benefit. I know what i’ve learnt and what I went through, it’s deeply ingrained in me now and it effects everything I say and do. The consequences of that year are all here, right now, and going through that book would do nothing but make me yearn for a time that is gone, and should remain so. I tend to forget how hard and miserable those first few months were, and I dont want to dwell on a romanticised version of the past, instead of moving on.

-J

I can safely announce that I got to my deadline, and presented my work to my class, and I’m still alive! Well done me. Now it’s right back to step one to do it all over again. Bah humbug!

-F

-J

Why do we never think ahead of ourselves? Or attempt to keep on top of our work when we know how much is expected of us>

Oh yeah, because we’re students. Duh.

-F