Lost Notebook 09.11.
When I was visiting my family back home this weekend, I remembered i’d left a notebook there, in my old bedroom, which i’d filled during my year out. I’d written in it quite often, not so much a diary, just a record of what I was thinking or feeling at certain points. It was really important to me then, to be able to reflect and make sense of the big mess that was my life last year.
I started looking for that notebook, but I couldnt find it anywhere in my room. At first I panicked, I couldnt imagine never being able to look back over the state my mind was in then, to remember how confusing but exciting and mesmerising life seemed for a few short months. But, actually, i’m kind of glad i’ve lost it. Looking back on those days wouldn’t bring me much in the way of benefit. I know what i’ve learnt and what I went through, it’s deeply ingrained in me now and it effects everything I say and do. The consequences of that year are all here, right now, and going through that book would do nothing but make me yearn for a time that is gone, and should remain so. I tend to forget how hard and miserable those first few months were, and I dont want to dwell on a romanticised version of the past, instead of moving on.
-J