I feel like i’m on some kind of rather disgusting medication for a very annoying and frustrating illness or virus of some sort. And even though I know that I need to take the yucky medicine to make me better, is tastes so fucking foul that each spoonfull makes my stomach wrench and churn.
Either that, or I feel like i’m having some horrible growth, slowly carved out of my stomach. Either way, it sucks, even though I know when the process is done and all the shit is out of my system, I will feel way healthier.
It’s just each dose, or slice, makes me feel like I need to vomit. Badly.
-J
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What is a Payment Handling Charge? £1.25 for a paper bill? “ADVANCE CHARGES!”
I do not like such things.
-F
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Sometimes I sit back and think about the things i’ve been saying recently, or the thoughts going through my mind, and I laugh. It occurs to me, at these random moments, how ridiculous I really am. I have to remind myself that im 19, and I shouldnt expect or want all of the answers to my life to be laid out before me. Otherwise there’d be little to discover for the rest of my life.
I’m like one of those people who reads the last page of a book before they start. I just want to know what happens next, and how things turn out. I fail to remember that the things that make me happy right now, will not always make me happy. When I remind myself of this, it brings some comfort, but only some. I’m still completely obsessed with making things right, and sorting my life out instantly.
It’s funny how despite being aware of how ridiculous my worries are, and despite all the rational reasons I give myself to stop thinking or feeling a certain way, it just can’t be helped. Some things eat away at you, slowly but surely and nothing you do can make it stop, except time. I can’t talk myself out of things, even though I try. And I can’t laugh my way out of things, even though I try. The only thing I can do is remind myself of how different I was a year ago, and how different I will be a year today. That in itself is enough to remind me that happiness has not escaped me, i’m just still chasing it.
-J
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I always thought I was one of those sensible people who bought into the idea of deferred gratification. I can put in the hard work and sacrifice in order to be happier in the long term. But recently i’m seeing myself as someone way more interested in instant gratification. Lack of self discipline is something I really need to work on. I’m one of those people who knows she really shouldn’t drink that extra pint because she’s got a lecture in the morning, but hey, if it makes for a better night out…
Hence why being stuck on these crutches is actually driving me slowly but surely insane. At the moment i’m keeping it under control but I feel like I might soon actually explode with frustration and the desperation to get the fuck on with my life. It’s so unbelievably annoying that when i’ve got myself geared up mentally for starting a fresh and exploring this whole new life, actually, I can’t. F says i’m having the worst start to University life because i’ll have the best end to it. I seriously hope she’s right because at the moment I feel like a caged bird. A fucking angry vulture who wants to go and eat some corpses mind you, but still a caged bird.
-J
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Of a truth dark thoughts, yea dark and fell,
The augur wise doth arouse in me,
Who neither assent, nor yet gainsay;
And what to affirm, I cannot tell;
But I flutter in hope, unapt to see
Things of to-morrow, or to-day.
Oh man it would suck to be Oedipus.
-J
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Odysseus begins his tale, trapped on Calypso’s island. How trapped is he really? There they are, living together as a couple, with seemingly little resistance on his part. Calypso seems to think the Gods simply want to ruin their mutual happiness by taking him away. But at the same time, he weeps by the shore, desperate to leave, excruciating lonely and pining for his release. Why didn’t Odysseus fight harder to be set free? He doesn’t show hatred towards Calypso, quite the opposite. So much for loyalty to his wife. Because a large part of him was happy where was, getting a good deal out of her. I can’t help but wonder how long it was before he was truly desperate to leave. He does, after all, repeat this little act with Circe. He sticks around as her partner for the best part of a year before realising what he really needs to do is get out. Sometimes the biggest barrier to your freedom is yourself.
When Calypso decides to finally help him leave, she gives him everything he needs. She is not cruel, or vengeful, she just wants him to be happy. Odysseus builds his raft to escape on, and in the process builds up his own strength. Emotionally and physically, he needs this minor task to set himself up for the long voyage ahead. When he is crushed again and reduced to the bare minimum of humanity, the future could easily seem hopeless. But Odysseus finds his salvation in the art of story telling. By recounting his tale to his hosts, he remembers who he once was, and therefore who he is. It’s through talking about the past that we really come to appreciate it, reap its benefits, and finally leave it behind.
-J
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I have spent my entire academic life, right from nursery school, being the best. It is something which has always come naturally to me, and if it doesn’t then I just have to work bloody hard! Being top of the class, and from a fashion student point of view, being an outrageous, obsessive perfectionist is something that has become expected of me. And I have (almost) always been able to prove to people why that is expected.
Except, now I’m starting university and I’m suddenly surrounded by countless others who have always been the best at what they do. What if that means they are better than me? How do I deal with being second-best….or even third or fourth? I have been sitting in front of my sketchbook today, staring at empty pages, terrified that I’m doing it wrong.
This is scary stuff dudes.
-F
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I love my best friend to absolute bits, but I am so unused to spending real time with her. The last 6 years of our lives have been a constant struggle to see each other, to find time to talk. Our friendship has always been a reflective one. We’ve not had the chance to live our lives together, side by side, so instead we talk to each other about our own experiences. Its a very verbal relationship, we’ve never been able to ‘do’. So we just say.
All of a sudden she’s right here. I spent the whole last year feeling like I needed her so badly, and she couldn’t possibly be there. And now she is. I called her today and she said she’d pop over tonight. The novelty of those words is still ringing in my ears. I felt so alone a year ago, and I got so used it. Now i’m adjusting to the idea that i’m not alone. She’s always right round the corner.
It should be an amazing feeling, and it is. But it’s also weird. The whole nature and balance of our friendship is going to change. It won’t be anything like it was before. I have very rose tinted memories of our time together when we were at school. That sounds ridiculous, because actually we were miserable. But it brought us together. That was the last time in our lives we were together every day, and could actually share our experiences. Now those opportunities are back and I don’t know what to expect. But it’s exciting, I feel like we’re starting a fresh. In a new city, with a new life.
-J
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I have a real problem with accepting that I can’t change the past. I’m constantly wondering if things would have been different if i’d said this, or behaved in another way. I know the only rational thing to do is accept that I can’t change things and make the most of my present situation. But when the shit starts to fly in your face you can’t help but wonder if you could have avoided it all by doing something different, way back when.
At the moment i’m thinking, if I hadn’t broken my ankle, i’d still be out every night, with no time to sit on my laptop and talk shit. And maybe if i’d had that space and time away and out doing new things, i’d have avoided unintentionally bringing shitty topics to the surface. The point is, I can’t change the fact that these things have been brought out into the open. Though I wish more than anything else in the world that I could. I adjust well to change, but I don’t like it. And I find it hard to let go of the past, even when I know that if things carry on the way they are, all i’m doing is chasing a memory. Things won’t ever be the same again. Maybe thats for the best.
-J
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I’ve been living in my swank student house for just over 2 weeks now. It’s a strange feeling, living away from home for the first time and suddenly realising you’re not as clued up on bills and responsibility as you thought.
Even stranger, perhaps, is that I’ve reacted very differently to student-dom than I, and everyone else, expected me to. Coming from a very strict, traditional family I thought I’d go wild. Partying, drinking, not washing…all traps which are easy to fall into and difficult to claw out of. I have actually been really good. I’ve suprised myself. Instead of going out, I’ve been at home a lot, cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry. I’m very lucky, I have a real house in a nice neighbourhood with very supportive housemates. I haven’t had a takeaway or Pot Noodle once! I’ve been eating real meals. Even now, I’m having a lunch of cous cous, pitta bread, and salad with a dressing. All cheap, healthy and filling. It amazes me that most people I’ve been talking to are surviving on cereal.
That being said, I’ve had my moments…but that’s a story for another blog… :p
- F
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